Life Through A Microscope

As a kid, I believed that the world wasn’t ready for me. I believed that I could be anyone and do anything. I believed it because my Nana told me so. If she said it, it had to be true. I thought that If I believed hard enough, my dreams would be mine. Now I sit at home, behind a screen. Typing on a blog nobody sees. All I see is war, student loan debt, and an uncertain future. I see now that my world isn’t what I thought it was. The prescription on my rose-colored glasses is outdated. My prescription calls for a healthy dose of reality.

“Moldddddddddddddd.”

Then you grow a little more, and you find that some people hate other people because of the way they look or the way they live. The concept of hate feels foreign in a world where an adult can’t make your bully say sorry. It’s your prerogative to find friends because your teacher isn’t there to remind the kids around you to share. It’s up to you to fight against people who won’t stop when you them no. You have to fight to ensure your life doesn’t become a series of I won’ts.

My little friend wants to fight.

Here is a list of my I won’ts:

I won’t lose my baby teeth. I won’t be late to school again. I won’t be picked last for dodgeball. I won’t be the loser on the playground. I won’t pass the tryouts for the track team. I won’t eat lunch in the restroom because I don’t have friends. I won’t date because now I have my friends and they are enough. Yes, I will keep in touch when you leave, because we’re friends forever and ever, right? No, I won’t pick up the phone because you left me and I’m scared of my emotions. I won’t join a club because I don’t need new friends. I won’t get into Harvard, so I’ll go to SCAD, but i’m too scared to leave home so go to community college instead. I won’t go broke because I have money now. I won’t buy a box of Cheez-It crackers because I have $10 in my bank account and I need to save. I won’t apply for that job because I’m not good enough.

I say “I won’t” when something scares me. I don’t know why that is my default answer to every obstacle in life. Obstacles provide the breeding ground for adventure and fear is the fertilizer that makes new opportunities grow. I’ve stayed complacent for too long. I can feel it in my bones, I have to leave my comfort zone before kills me. Now I have to adopt the phrase “I can’t” to counteract “I won’t”. I have to tell myself every single day - I can’t stay still. I can’t ignore my calling. I can’t let other people choose my path. Even though my rose-colored glasses are long gone I can’t give up. I can’t villainize the world.

New Years Resolutions 2012

I’ll do all my homework

Make new friends

Be nice mom

I won’t give wedgies to my brother

Get a boyfriend

Through my reality check, I found that rose-colored glasses are necessary when growing up. When the world seems so small, all there are trees, bugs, homework, and chicken nuggets. When your world is so small all you can do is wonder what’s outside your tiny neighborhood. That hopeless sense of wonderment drives us, it helps us see the small beauties of the world.

I want you to read me. All you need to do is click.